Equiponderate

Equiponderate (adj)- to be equal in weight, to balance

The past few days in the village have felt like a precarious battle between super-ego and id, to put it in the Freudian terms that are resonating best with me. The super ego is driven, wants to hold meetings even while it’s raining, can’t fall asleep because of anxiety about too much to do, wants to stick to an exercise plan without any modifications, and most importantly, feels guilty not only for taking things easy, but for all the work I haven’t done yet.

The id, on the other hand, is being self-serving and a little lazy. The id wants to stay in bed an extra hour, then spend all morning cooking or putzing around the house. It thinks asking for meetings now is over-reaching, when people are clearly busy in their fields most of the day. It is putting in the bare minimum so I can feel comfortable, rested, and not stressed. It feels anxious too, not about all that has to be done, but about sticking out to ask for others’ participation, about starting projects that might fail, and about pushing myself too far such that I’m wholly miserable.

The balance is coming out in surprising ways. I did the proper exercises, according to Ms. Super Ego, and then was so sore for the following two days that I couldn’t walk to go meet my counterpart. I was so ashamed of myself. This morning, sitting around knitting in a treasured patch of sunlight, clearly allowing the id to dominate, my counterpart came to find me and we sorted out our business. On days where the id dominated and I feel lazy/worthless, I keep telling myself that there are manifold more chances to be productive here. On days where the super ego wins, I feel tired and potentially neglected by my own self, ultimately so much more satisfied with myself. 

I’m wondering where this comes from- is a dominating super ego key to a strong work ethic or to the nature of the American labor force even? I certainly see duties being performed here but less to self than to parents, family, local leadership, or even to community. I, on the other hand, would of course be ashamed if I didn’t work hard for my village, but I think more ashamed by myself and maybe by my country than by the people here.

Where I’m struggling now is accurately recognizing which things are failures on my own part (lazy id) and which are situational failures for which I need to not blame myself (overactive super-ego). The question I keep asking in the mornings is “What more can I do today?” And then decide from there. It feels like walking a tightrope.

22 January 2018

1/Boondoggle

1/Boondoggle

Apologies for a less than loquacious account- I just wanted to post an update to village life quickly before I head out of town and away from internet access.

This week marks a month since moving to the village (although I'm in the provincial capital this week for meetings) and even looking back on what I wrote three weeks ago, I can see a huge difference in my integration, my language skills, my work prospects, and my settled-in-ness (what a compound word).

In the past few weeks, I have not be extraordinarily busy but I have kept occupied and made some connections in  my village and catchment area. I took myself on a walk to the clinic and met the local clinic worker, a lovely young woman who shared details of Zambia's health system. On my walk, I wandered to the next village, greeting people, and ended up running into a former counterpart of the previous volunteer at my site. We sat and talked and planned a community meeting for the next week. Other volunteers have said the work "just happens." The idea of work "just happening" while I sit and twiddle my thumbs was unsettling- I felt the need to go out and find work. My host family is very helpful and supportive but has been encouraging me to stay in, to become accustomed to life in the village. For one of the first times in my life, I'm taking the requisite initiative to *get stuff done* As unsteady as it feels, it is also necessary. Since moving in, I've met the clinic worker and talked about helping with malaria work, met the new headmaster at the equivalent of middle school in my community and chatted about plans for me to teach science, met various government officers in Ikelenge, met with an immigration officer and renewed my pre-work permit paperwork, attended an agricultural show for the district, met with other Peace Corps Volunteers in the district, chatted briefly with a few fish farmers in my area, greeted neighbors copiously, attended church, visited the chief (which deserves its own account, to come), and goofed around with the children who live near the spot where I have network in my village.

In addition, I have had two community meetings with two different villages in my catchment area. While the Lunda is still somewhat elusive to me, I have benefited from wonderful counterparts who translate for me. We used participatory tools to do a needs assessment for the community, as well as discuss daily schedules and existing strengths in the area. The outcome of both of these meetings was nutrition groups, especially focusing on helping  mothers ensure their children grow well. I've started meetings with one of the groups so far and it has been going well. Perhaps more enthusiasm than organization as yet.

The fish farming work is still dragging its feet (or rather I'm dragging on creating it, if I'm the active party here now) but I'm content with the work I have,  the lifestyle I'm leading, and the prospects for the next two years. And it's only one month into community entry!