The past few days in the village have felt like a precarious
battle between super-ego and id, to put it in the Freudian terms that are
resonating best with me. The super ego is driven, wants to hold meetings even
while it’s raining, can’t fall asleep because of anxiety about too much to do,
wants to stick to an exercise plan without any modifications, and most
importantly, feels guilty not only for taking things easy, but for all the work
I haven’t done yet.
The id, on the other hand, is being self-serving and a
little lazy. The id wants to stay in bed an extra hour, then spend all morning
cooking or putzing around the house. It thinks asking for meetings now is
over-reaching, when people are clearly busy in their fields most of the day. It
is putting in the bare minimum so I can feel comfortable, rested, and not
stressed. It feels anxious too, not about all that has to be done, but about
sticking out to ask for others’ participation, about starting projects that
might fail, and about pushing myself too far such that I’m wholly miserable.
The balance is coming out in surprising ways. I did the
proper exercises, according to Ms. Super Ego, and then was so sore for the
following two days that I couldn’t walk to go meet my counterpart. I was so
ashamed of myself. This morning, sitting around knitting in a treasured patch
of sunlight, clearly allowing the id to dominate, my counterpart came to find
me and we sorted out our business. On days where the id dominated and I feel
lazy/worthless, I keep telling myself that there are manifold more chances to
be productive here. On days where the super ego wins, I feel tired and
potentially neglected by my own self, ultimately so much more satisfied with
myself.
I’m wondering where this comes from- is a dominating super ego key to a
strong work ethic or to the nature of the American labor force even? I
certainly see duties being performed here but less to self than to parents,
family, local leadership, or even to community. I, on the other hand, would of
course be ashamed if I didn’t work hard for my village, but I think more
ashamed by myself and maybe by my country than by the people here.
Where I’m struggling now is accurately recognizing which
things are failures on my own part (lazy id) and which are situational failures
for which I need to not blame myself (overactive super-ego). The question I
keep asking in the mornings is “What more can I do today?” And then decide from
there. It feels like walking a tightrope.
22 January 2018
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